Weight Watchers and a Wedding

Anyone who reads my other blog knows that I recently got engaged. That's right, the fatty with the "pretty face" snagged herself a man, for real. The fact that I'm getting married is spurring me to lose the weight for my wedding.

I love it when people say, "Oh, you should lose weight for yourself, not for anyone else." Bologna. While that may work for most, it isn't and hasn't worked for me. What do you do when you are active, in perfect health, and think you look really good, except for that tire around your middle? You stay the way you are, because you don't see the weight as that big of an issue. That's me. I've talked about losing weight. Sometimes the weight irritates me. I can't get my bras at Victoria's Secret (they don't have one in Alaska anyway, so that's not a big deal). But, my weight does bother my fiance. Maybe bother is not the right word. Men are visual creatures. I know he doesn't find the tire sexy, just as he doesn't find the Michelan man sexy. There's also a reason why there's no Pillsbury Dough girl. Extra weight on women, rolls, bags and bulges, isn't attractive. Yes, there's a double standard. Women are lard asses, men are husky. But, I digress. The weight does bother my boyfriend, and that is impetus enough for me to look for the next Weight Watcher's meeting in my area (oh, and the fact that I'm paying a monthly membership and am not using it).

I love my fiance. I think he's a wonderful man, and I believe I'm blessed to have him in my life for so many reasons. He has everything money can buy, so what I want to give him for a wedding present is a thinner and in shape bride. This is something only I can give him, and something he will appreciate and cherish because he will see me working so hard to give that gift to him.

So, while this blog started out as a blog about my Alaska Fat March, it's morphed into "My Walk Away the Fat Wedding in Alaska March," or something like that. I did get a tread mill for the new house, I now have space to do my Walk Away the Pounds videos, we have no back yard fence and that fact requires me to have to walk the dogs instead of let them just head outside to do their business. I have 45 weeks and a day till my wedding day on August 8th, 2008. Realistically, and with no exaggeration, I have about 100 pounds to lose. I don't think it's unrealistic to think that I could lose at least 70 by my wedding.

Weight Watcher's, here I come. I'll be going on Saturday mornings with a friend, so I'm accountable to show up. Fruit instead of candy, here I come. Good-bye latte/pastry breakfast, hello oatmeal. Good-bye blue cheese salad lunch, hello soup and cheese-free salad. Good-bye pasta dinners, hello grilled chicken, brown rice and brocolli. I guess I'll also start putting my weight on here, and hope my fiance doesn't read this blog.

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy

I found another website today about someone walking to lose weight. It's at JayBo Walking. He started a walk from South Carolina to California in June. BOY, do I feel lazy now. I haven't put in nearly the mileage that I wanted to. Oh, wait... I haven't put in ANY mileage that I wanted to. I keep blaming my lack of activity on life getting in the way... you know, life like going out with friends, hiking to pick berries, driving to Seward to enjoy the last few days of summer we have left here in Alaska. While I know there is nothing stopping me (but me) from going to bed early and getting up at the crack of dawn and hitting the gym, I haven't managed to drag my ass out of bed! I've been getting stomach aches lately from trying to suck my gut in so I don't look as heavy as I am. My mom always said it would work... mom was wrong!

To top off my humiliation and shame and guilt, I turn on the tele last night and catch "Biggest Loser, Have They Kept It Off." Two years ago, I lost 30 pounds. It found me. Being fat really sucks. I know I have no one to blame but myself. Time to (oh, wait, I've said this before about 100 times) do something about it. Even if I do something small, like quit eating all the junk food, it's a start.

I walked by that weight loss product Alli yesterday at Walmart. I'm half tempted to start taking it just to keep me from eating the food I know I shouldn't. I'm at that point. I'm more disgusted with myself and the way I look from my shoulders to my knees than I am disgusted at the thought of having to wear liners in my pants to avoid the possible side effects of Alli. BLECH, both are disgusting.

Thank god those tootsie roll minis are gone now. I'm so frustrated and upset, that if they were there, I'd be eating them to console me... even though I know I shouldn't!

Best Laid Plans

My plans for my Alaska Fat March weren't so well laid out after all. As of today, I've walked zero, yes zero, purposeful steps towards reaching my 579.54 mile aspiration by October 24. I watched Fat March on television last night and couldn't help but think that if ALL I had to do was walk every day, no work, no family obligations, no "life" getting in the way, that it would be so easy to walk the 579.54 miles. Well, maybe not EASY, but it would definitely be the only activity I'd have to focus on. Choosing my own food is definitely a downfall too. I'd love to have someone else just tell me what to eat and what to do for 10 weeks and not really have to think about it much. Oh, wait, I already did that. It was called "BOOT CAMP," and I did that for the US Navy in 1990. I lost weight and got in shape then though.

Well, through my postings, I've found a new "partner" in walking the equivalent distance from Homer to Fairbanks, AK. She lives in Soldotna. She doesn't have as much weight to lose as I do, but it'll be nice to have someone that I'm being held responsible to.

In all reality, I could lose a significant amount of weight. If I lost 60 pounds, I'd be about where I'd like to be. If I lost 70, I'd be at my lowest weight since December of 1992, 15 years ago. If I lost 80, I'd be at my original exit weight when I got out of boot camp the summer of 1990, before I had my daughter. If I lost 90, I'd be at my lowest weight since high school. If I lost 100, I'd be at my lowest weight since middle school. That goal to me is unrealistic, so I'm going to shoot for 70. I felt and looked good at that weight. I know I'm not going to make it in 10, make that 9, weeks till my birthday. Attempting to walk the almost 10 miles a day, 7 days a week, that it would take to get me to that point is insane. It doesn't mean I won't TRY, but I'm not going to put myself under that kind of pressure with the rest of what is going on in my life. I'll shoot for 5 miles a day, and if I make that, it's still 5 more than I would have gone, right? RIGHT. It's about 19 weeks till the end of the year. The 279.54 miles is definitely doable in that time frame, and it would be a true challenge for me, living my life OUTSIDE of my Alaska Fat March, to complete the mileage in under 19 weeks.

My downfall, as I said, is my eating. It's just so easy to grab something when it's been pre-packaged, smells good, tastes good, but is full of empty calories. My downfalls just for today have been the evil Tootsie Midgets (yes, again), my chai tea, the trail mix that's so easy to eat, and the biscotti that went oh-so-well with my tea. I pay for a monthly Weight Watcher's membership, but I haven't gone in weeks. I'm now too embarrassed to get on the scale because I KNOW I haven't lost weight in the 3 weeks since I've gone. I keep thinking that if I just get back on track that I'll go in and have a great weight loss, get my sticker for 5 pounds lost (I love stickers, instant gratification), and not feel like a complete idiot. So, I'm not going tonight either.

Time to get serious. No one is going to hold my hand through this, it's all up to me. I made a promise to Alex that I'd lose 60 pounds, and the WORST thing to EVER do is tell your boyfriend you are going to lose weight and then continue to do exactly what you are doing that made you gain weight in the first place. I don't want to disappoint myself, and now I don't want to disappoint him either.

Grocery store, here I come. The salmon is getting cooked, the Tootsie Midgets are getting moved, the walking is starting tonight, rain or shine. No more excuses. I may not be able to do it all in 9 weeks, but I can do something, and that'll be a drastic improvement over what I'm doing now.

Tiny Tootsie Trip Up

I have the best intentions for my Alaska Fat March, I really do. How then, can I be tripped up by something as small as a tootsie roll? I woke up too late to make something for breakfast, so I ate the remainder of my chef salad from last night for breakfast, had my obligatory (ok, so I'm addicted and need a coffee 12 step program...) 16 oz skinny latte to wash down the salad, then went to grab a water from the work fridge and start my day.

They were right there... so enticing.... so easy to reach in their shiny glass bowl.... so tiny.... one or two (or twenty) couldn't be that bad, right? Ok, so I know I'm not right, and that asking for confirmation of a wrong doesn't MAKE it right, but misery loves company. The problem with small candy is that no matter how much you eat of it, it still only seems you've had one piece. I've now got enough tootsie roll wrappers (hidden, of course) in the trash can under my desk to wallpaper a wall of my bathroom.

And, walking today? Well, it was raining this morning, and it's cold Alaska rain, too cold to walk outside. I made jelly last night until 1 am and I was tired so I didn't get up early enough to make it to the gym before work. I had a meeting at lunch, so I couldn't make it to the gym down the road. Blah, Blah, Blah... Yada, Yada, Yada.... My fat cells are sending excuses to my brain because the cells are comfortable living on my hiney and don't want to leave, but the more "excuses" I type, the less convincing they sound as legitimate excuses.

Every journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. My journey of 579.54 miles, the distance from Homer AK to Fairbanks AK also has to begin with a single step. Although that distance seems daunting now, at least it's not 1000 MILES, right (seeking justification again)? Even though I'm helping a friend move a couch tonight at 5:30, and we are looking at a house at 7:30, I'm going to take that first step tonight, and combine them with a few thousand other steps, and do at least 8 1/2 miles tonight. If not, I'll do just the like the participants in the actual Fat March show, and have to make up those miles later, which I REALLY don't want to do!

I'll put on a raincoat if it's still raining tonight, put my camel bak water pack on, and head out the friggin' door, probably grumbling, bitching about the rain, moaning, complaining and kicking myself for giving myself no other options but to complete what I decided to start the whole walk. And tomorrow, I'll do the same, but tomorrow I'll skip the stumbling block of tootsie rolls that I started with this morning. I've got a long way to go, and a lot to learn, and a lot of modifications to make... but when you start from the bottom, the only direction to go is up!

Sometimes I wonder why I'd start this blog and put myself out here like I am. Well, I know that part of it is being held accountable. When others read or hear me say something, they hold me accountable to what I've said. I don't know if anyone else will read this blog, but knowing I've put it out there for the WORLD to see makes me feel more accountable. Why post it? I have a very bad habit of writing in journals, then going back and ripping out the pages if I don't like or agree with what I've written the next time I pick up the journal. It's too easy to rip out the pages. Sure, I can delete the entries I have here, or even delete the blog itself, but it's not so easy, especially if others read this! And, the fact that it's attached to my livefromalaska blog means that I'd still be held accountable, because I'd be able to be found. And lastly, writing it in a blog gives me something to do, other than shoveling food into my mouth. While I type, I can also look up other sites that will give me recipe ideas and tips on how to eat correctly. Of course, ask any heavy person what to eat to lose weight, we all know. All fat folk KNOW what it takes to lose weight, we just don't DO it! Also, I know it just takes one tiny tootsie roll to trip us up too.